What Failure Makes

   

  Back in December of 2013 I had the honor of being nominated for Rawards Artist Of The Year.  I have been hesitating to write this post for a long time.  As rewarding and exciting as the experience was it really took a toll on my spirit towards my art.  I love making art, being around it and always being inspired by things around me, it is something I cannot simply shut off, it's a part of me.  Art is not something I can stop making if I do not become financially profitable from it.  I think this is where the pressure grew from.  I want to make art for a living, that is the future I see for myself and dream about.  I have to be the motivating force behind everything I do with my art business, no one will do it for me.  I had put so much pressure on myself to take this opportunity and do as much as I could with it, that when it didn't turn out ideally I felt like I had messed up my chance, I blew it.  My first feeling was gratitude, for the opportunity, the exposure, the credibility and finding out that I do have what it takes to make it this far.  My second feeling upon not winning the title, followed....confusion.  I felt confused and frustrated, I felt that i tried so hard, had spent so many late nights in front of the easel making

the new pieces, pushing myself so hard and during it I kept telling myself that it would be worth it, it was all for something.  While I stood there in front of the stage as they were about to announce, so many feelings coursed through my veins I can't explain it, it almost felt like flight.  Just as soon as the feeling came it went, and when my name wasn't called in

that moment I felt so defeated, so let down and so confused.  How could I have tried harder, I really did give my best.  It wasn't until much later after pondering the outcome over and over did I realize.  You don't know

if you can try harder until you are forced to, until you have to.  I thought I was at my best, but my best wasn't the best, and it wasn't enough.  Now my comforters will say, that I did well, I tried hard and I did the best I could.  But if I were to take that and accept that this is the best I will be, this is the best I can do, this is as far as I would ever get.  I could have been better in marketing the event in interacting with the guests, with my online presence etc, somewhere I could have done better.  I truly feel that this experience was never meant for me to win, it was to make me stronger and to show me what desire is, to be so close and not achieve.  It lights a fire that will not soon be put out, success is made of many failures.  My  failures  build the steps that will lead me to my success.

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